Head Trauma......

October 12, 2008  was a normal day, I was only doing 5 m.p.h on the atv but   honestly I dont remember how I fell off or anything  8 hours before the fall,  its all a blank. One
minute I turned into the yard, the next I was laying flat in the road in a pool of blood and was completely unresponsive. Not that I remember that either, but have been told.

I was on a ventilator for 4 days and when they tried unhooking me, I crashed and was immediately put back on "life support". The doctors told Kevin the damage was sever and
there was a 50/50 chance for me. 50% I would NOT survive and the other 50% my memory would be gone and I would be a vegetable in need of permanent care! There was
bleeding in my skull, one large laceration on the outside, my brain had been pushed forward, and a fracture to my right clavical bone. It was the brain that was in jeopardy.

Now I knew none of this and don't remember many of the days after I came off the ventilator the second time. What I do remember I wanted to go home. I began spitting the meds
out that they gave me and tried walking and getting up......it worked and I requested to go home. It was about 3 weeks later when I went to see my neurologist. I didn't recognize
him but he remembered me. He starred and then told me he had NO idea how I was ok. And thats when he filled me in on how bad things were! I had no idea that I was expected to
be "gone" and I cant believe Kevin had to deal with that. Its bad enough to find your wife unresponsive, laying in a pool of blood, bad enough to see her on life support, but worse
to hear......that may be it. The Dr.  told me he wasnt trying to give Kev a poor prognosis because thats what could happen.....No it was what was expected!

I had amazing caring people who visited me in the hospital.  My memory was off and I chose not to talk to many. And sadly you get nasty after sever head trauma. There were some
I screamed at, things that annoyed me. But there was one thing I saw, one I talked to in a great tone and one that pulled me out of my angry mood...........Tantrum! One thing I
remember seeing a lot of was Tantrum, smiling and a lot of brightness. Now theres one of those close to death, totally freaky things. But she was there and that is the ONE vision I
remember. Always seeing her and feeling calm, ease and happy when she was there.

When Tani passed away  I was a mess. Depressed, closed down and one day I    saw her walk by the counter. I worried and I immediately saw a psychologist. It  was there I was told
it was normal  and I would see her again. Yes things will remind you and you'll think of her. But there will be times she "appears". It happened when Keen was sick , when he had a
grave prognosis. And then theres me. My close encounter with the end......and there she is.

In December 08 I was ok'd by the Dr. to  to train the team ( not alone, with help) and some races ( 30 mile max).  It wasn't what I had planned for the season. At first I was bummed
and thought ahhh the Dr. dosen't know I'll be fine. But he was right. I was fraile, fragile. My equilibrium was completely off. My strength, stamina and endurance.....gone. I could
barely stand up straight, to move quick and to line the dogs out............WAY more work then I had ever thought it was.

I never thought that highly of myself but to be a women who trains 12 dogs alone, can lift 120lb at once, works full time, hits the gym and trains the team. Well I was NOT that
person any more.

It was a rough couple of months. It made me over judge myself be upset with all I couldnt handle. I was a little sensitive, thought less of myself and had some negative people I was
around that fed me all that concern, all that over thinking, think the worst. On one hand I was aware I was lucky to be alive........yet I was being consumed by thinking less of
myself, remembering all I USE TO be able to handle and how it was my fault that some of the new issues were heading our way. My medical bills, my the weak link.

In May It was time to turn it around. Hit the gym, get away from the selfish, negative people I was around mon - thur, and stop over analysing and being concerned about anything.
Just take a breath, be positive, move foward....or try.

Sometimes we have to handle a lot, hard and difficult things.  Finally I stopped, stopped being concerned and thought....... it will all work out. Maybe were handed so many issues
at once to see all we can handle. Like a test, reminding us that it will be ok and to remember it could all be so much worse! And maybe, maybe once you get that, once you start
seeing positive it will all be positive heading your way. You gotta hit bottom, handle it all, step up, and move forward.

"What dosen't kill you.......makes you stronger"     
It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up but maybe thats the point. All the pain and the fear and crap
maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. Its what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we
can stand up
!"              Karev- Greys Anatomy