HeadTrauma

Head Trauma......

October 12, 2008 was a normal day, I was only doing 5 m.p.h on the atv but
honestly I dont remember how I fell off or anything 8 hours before the fall, its all a
blank. One minute I turned into the yard, the next I was laying flat in the road in a
pool of blood and was completely unresponsive. Not that I remember that either, but
have been told.

I was on a ventilator for 4 days and when they tried unhooking me, I crashed and was
immediately put back on "life support". The doctors told Kevin the damage was sever
and there was a 50/50 chance for me. 50% I would NOT survive and the other 50% my
memory would be gone and I would be a vegetable in need of permanent care! There
was bleeding in my skull, one large laceration on the outside, my brain had been
pushed forward, and a fracture to my right clavical bone. It was the brain that was in
jeopardy.

Now I knew none of this and don't remember many of the days after I came off the
ventilator the second time. What I do remember I wanted to go home. I began spitting
the meds out that they gave me and tried walking and getting up......it worked and I
requested to go home. It was about 3 weeks later when I went to see my neurologist. I
didn't recognize him but he remembered me. He starred and then told me he had NO
idea how I was ok. And thats when he filled me in on how bad things were! I had no
idea that I was expected to be "gone" and I cant believe Kevin had to deal with that.
Its bad enough to find your wife unresponsive, laying in a pool of blood, bad enough
to see her on life support, but worse to hear......that may be it. The Dr. told me he
wasnt trying to give Kev a poor prognosis because thats what could happen.....No it
was what was expected!

I had amazing caring people who visited me in the hospital. My memory was off and I
chose not to talk to many. And sadly you get nasty after sever head trauma. There
were some I screamed at, things that annoyed me. But there was one thing I saw, one
I talked to in a great tone and one that pulled me out of my angry
mood...........Tantrum! One thing I remember seeing a lot of was Tantrum, smiling and
a lot of brightness. Now theres one of those close to death, totally freaky things. But
she was there and that is the ONE vision I remember. Always seeing her and feeling
calm, ease and happy when she was there.

When Tani passed away I was a mess. Depressed, closed down and one day I    saw
her walk by the counter. I worried and I immediately saw a psychologist. It was there I
was told it was normal and I would see her again. Yes things will remind you and
you'll think of her. But there will be times she "appears". It happened when Keen was
sick , when he had a grave prognosis. And then theres me. My close encounter with
the end......and there she is.

In December 08 I was ok'd by the Dr. to to train the team ( not alone, with help) and
some races ( 30 mile max). It wasn't what I had planned for the season. At first I was
bummed and thought ahhh the Dr. dosen't know I'll be fine. But he was right. I was
fraile, fragile. My equilibrium was completely off. My strength, stamina and
endurance.....gone. I could barely stand up straight, to move quick and to line the
dogs out............WAY more work then I had ever thought it was.

I never thought that highly of myself but to be a women who trains 12 dogs alone,
can lift 120lb at once, works full time, hits the gym and trains the team. Well I was
NOT that person any more.

It was a rough couple of months. It made me over judge myself be upset with all I
couldnt handle. I was a little sensitive, thought less of myself and had some negative
people I was around that fed me all that concern, all that over thinking, think the
worst. On one hand I was aware I was lucky to be alive........yet I was being consumed
by thinking less of myself, remembering all I USE TO be able to handle and how it
was my fault that some of the new issues were heading our way. My medical bills, my
lack of bringing in a paycheck ( per the Dr x 8 weeks) I was less and incapable of
much. I was no longer the multi-tasking, full of energy, independent women......I was
the weak link.

In May It was time to turn it around. Hit the gym, get away from the selfish, negative
people I was around mon - thur, and stop over analysing and being concerned about
anything. Just take a breath, be positive, move foward....or try.

Sometimes we have to handle a lot, hard and difficult things. Finally I stopped,
stopped being concerned and thought....... it will all work out. Maybe were handed so
many issues at once to see all we can handle. Like a test, reminding us that it will be
ok and to remember it could all be so much worse! And maybe, maybe once you get
that, once you start seeing positive it will all be positive heading your way. You gotta
hit bottom, handle it all, step up, and move forward.

"What dosen't kill you.......makes you stronger"

                          "Dosent matter how tough we are! Trauma always leaves a scar.
  It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up but maybe thats the
point. All the pain and the fear and crap maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving
forward. Its what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can stand up!"
                                                                                    Karev- Greys Anatomy